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Monthly Archives: December 2010

ANOUSH. There’s been talk that your silly name stops people from actually taking you seriously.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Quoi?

ANOUSH. …Like, for instance, studies have shown that it’s impossible to have a regular mom-and-pop conversation about you without cracking a smile.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Je ne pense pas que_

ANOUSH. Like, LIKE LIKE, let’s say you walked up to someone, right? And said, “Hey would you like a Croque Monsieur?” Well, NORMAL things don’t usually follow that. You know?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Il est important d’_

ANOUSH. OR? OR? Let’s say your coworker says, “What’re you in the mood for today?” and you’re like “I brought in a Croque Monsieur.” Any pointers on how to avoid the weirdness that ensues after making a comment like that?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Non.

ANOUSH. I guess the question that’s on everybody’s mind is – Is that your *real* name?

CROQUE MONSIEUR.  Oui.

ANOUSH. Did you ever think of changing it to make yourself more accessible to American audiences?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Non.

ANOUSH. And to follow up: Will all your answers be in French even though you apparently understand everything I’m saying?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Oui.

ANOUSH. Very good, Sir.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Merci.

ANOUSH. Merci to you too.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Hee-hee.

ANOUSH. Haw-haw. And further: Your American fanbase consists mostly of scholars in the culinary arts and high school French students. Any hopes toward bridging the gap?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Non.

ANOUSH. And they’ve gone as far as calling you “A Ham and Cheese Sandwich.” Does that offend you?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Un peu.

ANOUSH. It shouldn’t. I mean, you are a sandwich.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. NON! NON! NON! Il ya une grande différence entre un “sandwich” et moi. L’une est la nourriture et l’autre est l’art.

ANOUSH. Alright, alright, slow down, there, papa. I’m just a messenger.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Incroyable…

ANOUSH. And lastly, what’s the difference between a Croque Monsieur and a Croque Madame *REALLY*.

CROQUE MONSIEUR. ll n’ya pas un différence. Je suis un homme et une femme en même temps.

ANOUSH. WHOAAA!

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Oui.

ANOUSH. Non!

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Oui.

ANOUSH. Madame?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Oui!

ANOUSH. Monsieur?

CROQUE MONSIEUR. Oui!

ANOUSH. Well, Mon friggin’ dieu…

———————————————————————

Learn more about what a croque monsieur is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croque-monsieur

ANOUSH. Guys.
ANOUSH. Guys.
ANOUSH. GUYS.
POPCORN. WHAT.
ANOUSH. How ’bout we call it a night. Whaddaya say?
POPCORN. NO. We DON’T say.
ANOUSH. Excuse me?
POPCORN. Shush.
ANOUSH. YOU shush.
POPCORN. No, YOU.
ANOUSH. Alright, that’s it. Everybody up.
POPCORN. No.
ANOUSH. Do you want me to call up The Kernel? Tell him you’re all still up, watching Kiddie Corn?
POPCORN. Do it!
ANOUSH. Oh, I WILL do it.  He’ll get here and break your TEETH.
POPCORN. Oh boy, we’re really scared.
ANOUSH. You SHOULD be.
POPCORN. You-SHOULD-be.
ANOUSH. If you guys don’t watch it,
POPCORN. If-you-guys-don’t-watch-it,
ANOUSH. You’re all gonna turn into a buncha burnouts. Is THAT whatcha want?
POPCORN. Is-THAT-whatcha-want?
ANOUSH. You know what HAPPENS to burn-outs?
POPCORN. You-know-what-HAPPENS-to… w..what happens?
ANOUSH. …Especially around this time’a year
POPCORN. What.
ANOUSH. Oh, nothing. Unless you LIKE getting strung out and hung up.
POPCORN. Hung?
ANOUSH. That’s what I said.
POP CORN. Hung where?
ANOUSH. I dunno, trees…
POPCORN. You’re just making that up.
ANOUSH. I dunno. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not….Getting all glazed over.
POPCORN. Stop it.
ANOUSH. Turning all different colors.
POPCORN. *STOP* IT!
ANOUSH. And if it gets REALLY bad, you might even_
POPCORN. What.
ANOUSH. I can’t.
POPCORN. No, say it.
ANOUSH. Kick the bucket.
POPCORN. NOOOO!
ANOUSH. I’ve seen it happen.
POPCORN. It’s not our fault. Sometimes things get outta hand.
ANOUSH. Suuure, blame it on the pot.
POPCORN. Oh, put a lid on it.
ANOUSH. YOU put a lid on it.
POPCORN. No, YOU.
ANOUSH. Oh yeah? Well no movies for you tonight.
POPCORN. Balls…

STAR FRUIT. Hey.

ANOUSH. OH MY *GOD* it’s YOU! Hold on hold on. Let me tell everyone to come look.

STAR FRUIT. No-no! You don’t have to_

ANOUSH. Mom! Dad! Neighbors! UPS Guy-whose-at-the-door-right-at-this-moment!

STAR FRUIT. No, no, I don’t want a crowd.

ANOUSH. Oh.

STAR FRUIT. Yeah, no need.

ANOUSH. Well, I guess I’ll just sit down, then.

STAR FRUIT. What.

ANOUSH. I’m sorry… what?

STAR FRUIT. Lemme ask you something.

ANOUSH. SHOOT.

STAR FRUIT. Didn’t your mom teach you that it’s rude to stare?

ANOUSH. Nope, never.

STAR FRUIT. *BLINK,* damnit!

ANOUSH. C’MON, LET ME  GAZE!

STAR FRUIT. Ask me about my day or something.

ANOUSH. It’s incredible. How are you shaped like…I don’t _ I can’t_

STAR FRUIT. It’s like we start from square one every time.

ANOUSH. Not square one – STAR one.

STAR FRUIT. I_

ANOUSH. Magic!

STAR FRUIT. Ok. Yeah. Let it out.

ANOUSH. Magic stars and fairies! Fairy fruits and fairy-magic and magic fairies! Fruit Magic.

STAR FRUIT. You done?

ANOUSH. I think so.

STAR FRUIT. Don’t make this a thing. I was just born this way.

ANOUSH. I gotcha. I see your point…. FIVE points!

STAR FRUIT. What?

ANOUSH. Nothing.

STAR FRUIT. I mean, don’t you wanna be normal about this at some point?

ANOUSH. Oh yes. Boy, *DO* I!!!

STAR FRUIT. So give it a rest with the star-talk. Talk like a normal person.

ANOUSH. Alright. Yeah. I can DO that.

STAR FRUIT. Go ahead.

ANOUSH. I….

STAR FRUIT. Yeah?

ANOUSH. Hhhhhow’s work?

STAR FRUIT. Good. Thanks for asking. It’s really busy – ever since I got the promotion.

ANOUSH. So, you’re like a real higher-up, now, huh? Looking down? Watching over?

STAR FRUIT. Y… yeah.

ANOUSH. How’re your colleagues?

STAR FRUIT. They’re good.

ANOUSH. Is everyone friendly with each other or do they all hang out in different clusters?

STAR FRUIT. They’re all friendly. Every now and then you’ll get a few loners.

ANOUSH. How’s your boss? Is he really nice or is he a Big Dipper?

STAR FRUIT. He’s good. Keeps us all in line.

ANOUSH. Oh, awesome. You’re probably great during evaluation time, being all Westward leading, still proceeding.

STAR FRUIT. Yeah, I’m lucky.

ANOUSH. Just don’t let people wish upon you too much… if you catch my drift.

STAR FRUIT. No, I get it. I know when to rise up.

ANOUSH. But I imagine it gets tough. Especially since they’re all aiming for ya.

STAR FRUIT. Yeah, I gotcha. Thanks for the tip.

ANOUSH. No problem. I didn’t mean to space out earlier.

STAR FRUIT. Eh, don’t worry. You probably just got struck.

ANOUSH. Any advice for people out there who are trying to make it in the industry?

COFFEE. Make yourself available at all times – at weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs – FUNERALS, even. Ya gotta milk it.

ANOUSH. Were you worried that people wouldn’t like you, at first?

COFFEE. A little, but if you’re quick, you can make a crowd do anything.

ANOUSH. Was it hard to get the higher-ups to take your creative ideas?

COFFEE. Sure. I can’t TELL you how many times they’ve told me to “keep my decaf job.” Teabags…

ANOUSH. Were you popular growing up?

COFFEE. Not really. I didn’t blend with kids my age. Adults liked me, though and I’d always listen to their conversations at the table.

ANOUSH. When you started working, what was the first thing that shocked you about the industry?

COFFEE. All the whipped cream. I didn’t think there’d be this much.

ANOUSH. I guess going mainstream is both a blessing and a curse.

COFFEE. You just said a chock full.

ANOUSH. I think the question that’s on everyone’s mind is “How’d you get all those nicknames?”

COFFFEE. I can’t discuss my personal life.

ANOUSH. Oh, uh, sorry.

COFFEE. It’s ok.

ANOUSH. What was it like on your first day?

PICKLE. Oh wow, pretty jarring. They were all like “Jump in!” And I was like, “Allllright, guess I’m doin’ this.”

ANOUSH. What made you wanna make the switch in the first place?

PICKLE. My peers at the time.

ANOUSH. Were they mean to you?

PICKLE. No, just very boring. Sensible – that’s the word. It was friggin’ Sense and Sensibility every day.

ANOUSH. Yeah, I guess getting tossed around all the time… I’d imagine it wears on you.

PICKLE. It’s just not Kosher.

ANOUSH. Definitely not. Now look at you – you’re hot stuff.

PICKLE. Thanks! I’m all about self-preservation.

ANOUSH. It’s funny ‘cause you look exactly the same.

PICKLE. Well, I mean, it’s still “me” – there’re just some things I just won’t DO anymore…. I mean, I’m not bitter or anything.

ANOUSH. No, of course not.

PICKLE. I just couldn’t let my creative juices flow, you know?

ANOUSH. Yeah, you gotta let it flow.

PICKLE. And after a while I was like “No!” I will NOT strip down to my bare bottoms and go to pieces just for the sake of mixing in.

ANOUSH. Good for you!

PICKLE. Time to develop some thicker skin.

ANOUSH. Exactly!

PICKLE. Start swimming in cooler waters.

ANOUSH. Here here!

PICKLE. Bring joy to ALL men and women – pregnant and non.

ANOUSH. Ohhhhh wow, imagine if you’d never jumped in…

PICKLE. Ugh, it gives me bumps just THINKING about it.

ANOUSH. Hey, guys, just wondering when you were gonna clear out_

BRUNCH. Two meals! Both alike in dignity.

ANOUSH. Oh Jesus.

BRUNCH. At fair 11am where we lay our scene.

ANOUSH. No need to talk in unison.

BRUNCH. Do you bite your scone at me, Anoush?

ANOUSH. I’m not doing this. It’s stupid.

BRUNCH. But soft (egg)! What light through yonder eggshell breaks!

ANOUSH. Charming.

BRUNCH. It is the yeast and Anoush is the sun..nnny side up.

ANOUSH. Alright, I’m outta here. Later, assholes

BRUNCH. Oh, swear not!

ANOUSH. I think you guys REALLY need get over yourselves.

BRUNCH. Nay.

ANOUSH. Yay.

BRUNCH. Nay.

ANOUSH. Whatever.

BRUNCH. Fie upon thee thou frothy onion-eyed nut flax-wench!

ANOUSH. What?

BRUNCH. I say, Get thee gone! Thou rank, common-kissing apple-john.

ANOUSH. Sorry-sorry, not registering in the old noggin’_

BRUNCH. MEAL’S NOT OVER ‘TIL WE *SAY* IT’S OVER, SWEETHAAAHT.

FORK. I don’t know, I’m really overworked.

ANOUSH. How so?

FORK. I’m constantly pushed around at work and I feel like no one picks up after themselves.

ANOUSH. Well there’s some truth in what you’re saying.

FORK. I’m getting assignments that aren’t even in my job description. And it gets embarrassing.

ANOUSH. Why embarrassing? Who’s watching?

FORK. THOSE two.

ANOUSH. Oh, them. You gotta get over it.

FORK. They just lay there while I’m standing on my head making magic happen.

ANOUSH. Do you ever think they just admire you for being so versatile?

FORK. No absolutely not. They’re pretentious Right-wing tools who don’t even get up unless they’re absolutely needed.

ANOUSH. Well, you’re not standing up for yourself.

FORK. Oh, so it’s my fault.

ANOUSH. No, stop putting words in my mouth.

FORK. Look, I know I’m lucky to be able to hold down a napkin during these hard times. But there’s gotta be a silver lining somewhere.

 

ANOUSH. Well that’s what happens when you’re an over-achiever.

FORK. Thanks.

ANOUSH. You just gotta work on having a better self image.

FORK. Great. thanks. Extremely helpful.

ANOUSH. And speak up a little bit more. I can see it all in your posture.

FORK. Stop it.

ANOUSH All hunched over like that.

FORK. STOP IT.

ANOUSH. No.

FORK. YOU try starting a conversation with one of them. Especially him.

ANOUSH. Weird. I always thought you two got along.

FORK. Why, ‘cause we work together? He’s so condescending, too. Like, if your ideas don’t cut it, then forget it.

ANOUSH. Maybe he’s envious ‘cause you have a firm grip on things and are good at multitasking. Is he even serrated?

FORK. Hhhhh I don’t know – makes no difference. He’s never picked up a damn thing in his life and loves to watch me cater to him. And I mean, SHE’S the same way – ever have a conversation with a spoon?

ANOUSH. Can’t say I have.

FORK. Well first you should know – they never do anything outside their comfort zone and can never make a solid decision. The ballziest thing I’ve seen a spoon do is spread marmalade across melba toast and that’s just cause no one was around that day to help.

ANOUSH. You might be over generalizing_

FORK. Ok, ok, for example, PASTA, right? I work hard. I take my spinning very seriously and sometimes she just NEEDS to jump in and “help.” And it’s really not helpful at all.

ANOUSH. You feel that way about all spoons?

FORK. …Not Grapefruit ones.

::::No one says anything for 10 seconds:::::
FORK. What.

ANOUSH. Nothing.

FORK. WHAT!

ANOUSH. I know why you like “Grapefruit ones.”

FORK. Oh yeah? Why?

ANOUSH. ‘Cause they remind you of yourself a little bit?

FORK. Maybe. So what?

ANOUSH. You should go hang out with more Grapefruit spoons.

FORK. I’ll wait for the Dishwasher.

ANOUSH. See, there’s your problem.

FORK. I just don’t wanna embarrass myself.

ANOUSH. I don’t think it’s the job – I think it’s you.

FORK. Oh, this is so much fun to listen to. Please – more, more.

ANOUSH. You’re gonna turn into some washed up tooth pick.

FORK. Ever talk to a toothpick? They’re awesome.

ANOUSH. Oh yeah? Ever see one that lasted more than a day?

FORK. Look. I just have a lot going on in my head lately. I’m not sure who I am.

ANOUSH. Is there a chance you’re a dessert fork?

FORK. If I were a dessert fork, I think I’d know by now. And no, I’m not.

ANOUSH. My point is that there’s always gonna be some tool who tells you how to do your job, but it’s mostly their problem not yours. Don’t let yourself get pushed around too much – you’ll end up in the microwave.

FORK. That’s the last thing I want. I hear stories where they come back a little… off.

ANOUSH. Well you’re GONNA be totally off if you don’t make a change. There’s a quote that says “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

FORK. Yeah, I saw that on the fridge.

ANOUSH. Well?

FORK. Yeah.

ANOUSH. So. If you could do one thing that’s out of your comfort zone today, what would it be?

FORK. I guess… I could tell him he could help out more with the English Muffins. ‘Cause it’s getting ridiculous.

ANOUSH. That’s a step. What else?

FORK. I guess… meet that Grapefruit spoon one day for Breakfast? Maybe invite her to dinner?

ANOUSH. Good move.

FORK. Just tell me if I have anything in my teeth.

ANOUSH. You don’t.

FORK. Awesome.

RAISIN. I’m getting old.

ANOUSH. Congratulations.

RAISIN. Why?

ANOUSH. Congratulations – you’re a whiner.

RAISIN. I_

ANOUSH. I mean, personally? *I* don’t wanna sit here and listen to you bitch. And if you want to no longer have any friends whatsoever, please! Go on.

RAISIN. Guess you’re right.

ANOUSH. No, you do not GUESS I’m right – I just am. Lemme ask you a question: Did you enjoy the Grape phase?

RAISIN. Well, I guess I_

ANOUSH. Be honest, c’mon.

RAISIN. I… DID spend a lot of time feeling anxious.

ANOUSH. NO ONE enjoys the Grape phase. Ask anyone. Every Grape phase in existence has been a series of not-good-times.

RAISIN. I spent a lot of time wishing I was seedless like the cool grapes.

ANOUSH. And there it is.

RAISIN. I was never really part of a bunch.

ANOUSH. Awesome, so what I’m saying makes sense to you.

RAISIN. Sort of. Like, in Fruit Cocktail, I used to lie and tell everyone I was a cherry.

ANOUSH. That’s ok, everyone wanted to be a cherry.

RAISIN. And I could’ve been, if I wanted. I was definitely red enough.

ANOUSH. No you couldn’t’ve. ‘Cause you’re NOT one.

RAISIN. Yeah.

ANOUSH. It’s ok.

RAISIN. Yeah.

ANOUSH. Anyway, cherries dry up just like anything else ’cause that’s just what happens.

RAISIN. Can I be honest?

ANOUSH. Please.

RAISIN. I’m actually kind of relieved I’m a raisin. Like, the things I want to do come to me a lot easier now that I’m more mature. Like, I can be more of a nut now without worrying so much about what I look like.

ANOUSH. Exactly.

RAISIN. It was really hard to go out there and just be natural.

ANOUSH. Still is sometimes.

RAISIN. I mean, I had this wild cousin who’d always invite me out to the vineyard, but, it was never really my thing. I mean, I go once in a while, now, but back then, not really. Sometimes I think – I shoulda just been more of a vineyard grape.

ANOUSH. Nah.

RAISIN. Also, you always saw images of what you were SUPPOSED to look like and those images were always so unrealistic. I mean, REAL grapes aren’t purple, you know? In real life, if you saw a grape that was purple, you should be worried – not, like intrigued.

ANOUSH. I agree.

RAISIN. But I realized that now all those seedless Grapes just stick together now and never leave the box. Either THAT or they walk around wearing cinnamon all the time like they’re hiding something.

ANOUSH. I know, it’s sad.

RAISIN. Yeah, and I’m not a “cinnamon” raisin. I mean, just last week I was talking to this gummy worm and I never ever thought I’d ever talk to candy – or consider myself candy.

ANOUSH. YOU? Talking to candy?

RAISIN. I know. I wanna mix more. Shelf life’s too short, you know?

ANOUSH. Definitely.

RAISIN. And I really want to work in the movies. So I was thinking if I had any friends in Chocolate who’d be interested in the idea of collaborating, it would totally be sweet… And if not right away, we could start by working at the counter and sharing ideas.

ANOUSH. Good plan.

RAISIN. Yeah? I mean it seems pretty sensible. I’m always worried people will say I’m a handful.

ANOUSH. Eh, don’t worry. Just don’t keep on saying you’re old.

RAISIN. I’d assume that fruits who whine about that aren’t really much fun to hang around with.

ANOUSH. I agree.

ANOUSH. I’m not calling you, “Sir.” I find that very incredibly weird.

EGGS BENEDICT. Am I or am I NOT named after a MAN!

ANOUSH. Man. All man.

EGGS BENEDICT. Then why the bitchery?

ANOUSH. Um? I’m sorry, didn’t your mother teach you that respect is something you have to EARN?

EGGS BENEDICT. Didn’t YOUR mother teach you that whatever Eggs Benedict wants EGGS BENEDICT GETS?

ANOUSH. I… no, I musta overslept that day.

EGGS BENEDICT. Eggs Benedict is picking up on the sarcasm.

ANOUSH. Good for Eggs Benedict.

EGGS BENEDICT. Anoush, look at me.

ANOUSH. Looking.

EGGS BENEDICT. Of-course-you-are. And what do you see?

ANOUSH. A ham?

EGGS BENEDICT. You flatter me.

ANOUSH. No, it wasn’t a compliment.

EGGS BENEDICT. Anoush, Anoush, Anoush….

ANOUSH. What. What. What.

EGGS BENEDICT. You…

ANOUSH. What.

EGGS BENEDICT. You WANT my poached eggs.

ANOUSH. Oy.

EGGS BENEDICT. You NEED my poached eggs.

ANOUSH. This is getting heavy.

EGGS BENEDICT. Let me give your body what it needs.

ANOUSH. DUUUUDE. Lay of the sauce!

EGGS BENEDICT. Ehhh I know your kind – you’re one of those “Chickens-came-first” types aren’tcha?

ANOUSH. I’m not having this debate with you.

EGGS BENEDICT. I think you WANNA have a debate.

ANOUSH. No, I really don’t.

EGGS BENEDICT. So, ok… lemme get this straight – You’re. Rejecting. Eggs. Benedict.

ANOUSH. Yes.

EGGS BENEDICT. Just so you know, if anyone finds out, YOU’LL be the weird one – not me.

ANOUSH. I’m fine with that.

EGGS BENEDICT. Fine.

ANOUSH. Yup.

EGGS BENEDICT. Good.

ANOUSH. You’re a friggin’ headache, you know?

EGGS BENEDICT. That’s right, Kiddo. I’m your brain on drugs – except with CLASS.

ANOUSH. Did you or did you NOT put that girl in a coma?

APPLE. I… ok, that was completely unintentional – I was drugged.

ANOUSH. I mean, what were you thinking?

APPLE. Hey! She woke up didn’t she? … She woke up and birds were chirping again and all her little boyfriends and forest animals were jumping around… and lah-di-dah-everyone’s-happy, right?

ANOUSH. You were lucky.

APPLE. Or? Things just end up working out ’cause I’m THAT good. Say it – say I’m awesome.

ANOUSH. No.

APPLE. Awesome. “A” as in “Awesome.”

ANOUSH. Your core values completely suck.

APPLE. Look, I’m not stupid.

ANOUSH. Yeah? How knowledgeable would you say you are?

APPLE. Pretty knowledgeable. I come from a long line of knowledge.

ANOUSH. Then can you tell me how you get mixed up in stuff like this all the time?

APPLE. I guess I’d call it, ‘Being at the wrong place at the wrong time?’

ANOUSH. Hm.

APPLE. THAT, and the fact that I hang around with a buncha freaks who get me to do weird stuff.

ANOUSH. So, you’re just a yes man.

APPLE. A yes man who gets to watch naked people try to find their way through a garden.

ANOUSH. Yeah, but that gets old fast. I want you to go get some help.

APPLE. Uhhh, no THANK you. I try and stay away from doctors. Besides, I’m fine the way I am – “Live in the now” you know? That’s *MY* Mott anyway…

ANOUSH. You’re misinterpreting that expression. You’re comparing yourself to oranges, here.

APPLE. I think people talk about comparing things to oranges whenever they wanna sound smart. Just say whatcha mean already, you know?

ANOUSH. jjjjjust promise me you’ll tone it down. You’re starting to freak people out.

APPLE. Like who?

ANOUSH. Everyone. Scarecrows; young girls from out of town trying to find their way home. And if you want my advice, stay away from any forest that gives off a “weird-stuff-might-happen-here” vibe.

APPLE. Sometimes I can’t help it. I get thrown by talking trees.

ANOUSH. Riiiiiigh…. “talking trees” – “talking snakes” – must be a nonstop party.

APPLE. You’re just jealous that I have such cool friends.