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BAGEL. Let’s be honest – I’m WAY too refined for this crowd.
ANOUSH. I know, I know, but whaddaya gonna do, right?
BAGEL. I have this plan to leave Everything behind and just split.
ANOUSH. Really?
BAGEL. Yep. You know, take some time to travel, become more well-rounded, expand my social circles.
ANOUSH. Where would you go?
BAGEL. Well, you know how I secretly wish I was French, right?
BAGEL. So, France. Definitely France.
BAGEL. Yup! And here’s some food for thought – did you know the name Pumpernickel is French?
ANOUSH. How’s that?
BAGEL. I said! Did you know the name Pumpernickel is French?
BAGEL. Hah, then have *I* got a story for you!
BAGEL. Uh, you wanna hear the story?
BAGEL. Ok-ok you’re gonna LOVE this. So, Napoleon, right? He had this horse..
ANOUSH. I like where this is going.
BAGEL. …and the horse’s name is Nicol.
ANOUSH. Nicol, that’s a pretty French name.
BAGEL. Right?!? Anyway, so! Nicol becomes a fan of this dark, grainy bread which Napoleon refers to – repeatedly – as “pain pour Nicol.” Now, say those words really fast to yourself. Go!
ANOUSH. Ahhh, I get it.
BAGEL. So, there it is in Plain English. I’m French, almost.
ANOUSH. You’re not Pumpernickel though.
BAGEL. Ahhh, but I COULD’VE been! Napoleon could’ve named ME if I were around back then. And so much of what I become relies on the actions I take at this very moment and … oh sorry, I didn’t mean to get all eggsistential on you.
ANOUSH. Oh, no worries.
BAGEL. Ya know a lot of people think they can see right through me, but I’m actually quite complex. And if I work hard enough, I could be the toast of Paris.
ANOUSH. I have no doubt that you’ll appeal to the upper crust. Much luck on your continental drift!
BAGEL. Thanks!
ANOUSH. Anytime! … Hey, aside from the horse, what’re your views on Napoleon in general?
BAGEL. Ohhh I’m not sure, I’m divided.

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