Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: August 2011

 

 

 

 

ANOUSH. For the last time, I will not “pretend-swipe” you.

METRO CARD. C’mon. I’m asking you as a FRIEND!
ANOUSH. No.
METRO CARD. Can’t you just, like, run me through a bookcase or something?
ANOUSH. *STOP* it.
METRO CARD. I can’t just stay in one place – it’s unnatural!
ANOUSH. I told you before – I will NOT create a hyperreality for the sole purpose of staying sane. It’s unhealthy.
METRO CARD. Great. That’sjustGREAT!
ANOUSH. C’mon, you could use some time off from swiping.
METRO CARD. You know what? You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’ll just wait here and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Oh *boy* I’m sure glad this is all happening and I’m actually lying to you right now. I’m lying, and making it seem like I’m telling the truth. Whoa, wait where’re you going?
ANOUSH. The, uh, kitchen? Why.
METRO CARD. Take me with you.
ANOUSH. Why?
METRO CARD. Well, first? You’re probably gonna face a few barriers in there, and it would be irresponsible of me to let you travel alone.
ANOUSH. O…k.
METRO CARD. And second – I’ve never really GONE to a kitchen before? And this might be my chance to – I dunno – branch out.
ANOUSH. You’ve never gone to a kitchen before?
METRO CARD. Can we not make this more awkward than it is?
ANOUSH. That actually makes sense, though.
METRO CARD. Oh! Ihaveanidea-ihaveanidea-ihaveanidea!
ANOUSH. What.
METRO CARD. You… *TAKE* me to the kitchen, right?
ANOUSH. Uh huh.
METRO CARD. And just when you’re about to go in, you say something liiiiiike – Oh! I got it. Be like, “Oh. No. I. Need. My. Card. Where. Is. My Card. Oh-here-it-is-that’s-so-weird-that-it’s-right-here.”
ANOUSH. Very nice.
METRO CARD. Thanks! And, then? You *swipe* me through something just ’cause it’s *there.*
ANOUSH. ……………….
METRO CARD. C’monnn this is my JOB! Push a couple’a cereal boxes together, or slice a bagel in half-but-not-all-the-way, or_
ANOUSH. “Never been to a kitchen,” huh?
METRO CARD. Yeah. I lied.
ANOUSH. Why!?
METRO CARD. I dunno! I HAD to!!
ANOUSH. Hey, so. If we could take a break from yelling at each other for no reason,
METRO CARD. Yeah, sure what’s up?
ANOUSH. Wouldja say most metro cards are familiar with kitchens, as a rule?
METRO CARD. I mean, on occasion? It usually happens by accident, though.
ANOUSH. Oh, ok.
METRO CARD. But I’m just speaking from my own experience.
ANOUSH. Ah. Yeah I was just curious.
METRO CARD. Hey, no problem

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
ANOUSH. I’m not interrupting, am I?
PLAID SHIRT. Nah, just pondering my own existence, what’s up?
ANOUSH. Well, I’ve been noticing that I need to work on my networking skills more? And I was hoping to use you as a reference.
PLAID SHIRT. Really?
ANOUSH. Yeah, or something along those lines.
PLAID SHIRT. You’re not with the press are you?
ANOUSH. No-no. But I’ve noticed that we cross paths pretty frequently and I admire your ability to stay focused and uhhhhh are you… ok? You’re breathing kinda heavy.
PLAID SHIRT. I’m… uh…. hhhhhhh
ANOUSH. Are you? It’s not a panic attack, is it?
PLAID SHIRT. Hhhhhhhhhhhh.
ANOUSH. Weird… I always thought you were good around people.  
PLAID SHIRT. Hhhhhhhhyeahhh but there’s a fine line-hhhhhh
ANOUSH. It’s not like you need to be perfect_
PLAID SHIRT. THAT’S WHAT *YOU* THINK, ANOUSH FROUNDJIAN!
ANOUSH. C’mon, take a deep breath. I’m serious.
PLAID SHIRT. Thanks. I know what breathing is.
ANOUSH. Yeah, but do it really slowly and hold it in for like_
PLAID SHIRT. What.
ANOUSH. Twenty seconds. Here, I’ll even time you.
PLAID SHIRT. Oooh *deadlines!*
ANOUSH. Awesome.
 
:::::::::::Plaid breathes:::::::::::::::
 
ANOUSH. Feel better, right?
PLAID SHIRT. Yeah. So now, lemme ask you: What’d you think of the pacing?
ANOUSH. Very good.
PLAID SHIRT. Did it flow?
ANOUSH. Yup. Flowed.
PLAID SHIRT. Feel forced at all? 
ANOUSH. Nope, pretty natural.
PLAID SHIRT. Hah! This might be my best work yet.
ANOUSH. Ok – I’m definitely noticing a pattern, here.