BREAD. Oh my god, I’m drying up!
ANOUSH. C’mon C’mon don’t talk like that.
BREAD. Well, it’s either THAT or what everyone is saying about me is true. Maybe I AM the devil.
ANOUSH. No, I think it’s something else.
BREAD. What.
ANOUSH. You’re refined… Don’t smile it’s not a compliment.
BREAD. Wait a minute, what’re you saying – I’m… simple?
ANOUSH. Look, I didn’t mean it like that.
BREAD. I went through A LOT so I could look like this. And between you and me? I’ve had A LOT removed.
ANOUSH. Don’t get me wrong, you look great. You smell great, too, but for some reason, you’re afraid to be complex.
BREAD. Just stab me with a knife while you’re at it.
ANOUSH. I mean, with all do respect, didn’t your mom ever teach you that man can’t live off bread alone?
BREAD. Ugh, men… pigs.
ANOUSH. You gotta get over it.
BREAD. And women? I’ll NEVER understand ‘em either.
ANOUSH. I always wished you had more women friends.
BREAD. They blame me for most of their problems and I always leave the dinner table feeling so bad about myself.
BREAD. Maybe I’d be appreciated more in the South. Or in Europe.
ANOUSH. Moving’s not gonna help the situation.
BREAD. I used to be quite the slice before, you know?
ANOUSH. I believe you.
BREAD. I was a legacy! Like, back back back in the day – back to the Pyramids.
ANOUSH. Ugh, not the pyramids story…
BREAD. No, no, no, you WILL hear this.
ANOUSH. Fuck.
BREAD. There was a time… back, back, hundreds and hundreds of years ago when there were The Pyr_
ANOUSH. Pyramids_
BREAD. The Pyramids.
ANOUSH. Right.
BREAD. And OUR dynasty began at the base where we served six to eleven…
ANOUSH. Six to eleven servings – I KNOW I KNOW!
BREAD. All I’m saying is we’ve been around for a while.
ANOUSH. What do you want? Are you trying to be the eighth Wonder of the world? Is THAT what you want? ‘Cause that’s not gonna get you the happiness you deserve.
BREAD. Don’t butter me up, it’s cheap.
ANOUSH. There’s nothing wrong with letting yourself be complex once in a while. There’s no sustainability with the way you’re living now.
BREAD. But what about those select few who just can’t get enough of me?
ANOUSH. Those are the people who end up wishing they ordered what at the guy next to ‘em did and turn to you when they can’t make a real decision. If you put out, “simple,” you’re gonna get “simple.”
…
ANOUSH. Or you can just be a breadstick and snap in half everytime the job gets too hard to handle.
BREAD. Alright, alright, fine. I just don’t want to end up looking like I’m nuts.
ANOUSH. You won’t.
BREAD. Oh yeah? Prove it.
ANOUSH. I mean, Arnold’s pretty awesome, right?
BREAD. Hm.
ANOUSH. I’m right, aren’t I?
BREAD. Arnold IS kind of awesome.
ANOUSH. I mean, sometimes he’s all 7′s and sometimes he’s all 12′s and no one thinks HE’S nuts.
BREAD. Fine. I’ll think about it.
ANOUSH. Just trust that it’ll all work out. No need to be a basket case all the time.
Anoush Talks to Stuff 