ANOUSH talks to PINEAPPLE UPSIDE DOWN CAKE

CAKE. Guess what! It’s opposite day!

ANOUSH. Look, I’m not in the mood.

CAKE. You *are* in the mood ’cause it’s opposite day!

ANOUSH. What’re you dense?

CAKE. Yes.

:::Canned laughter:::

ANOUSH. Ok, how do I say this: I’m… an adult.

CAKE. Kid! You’re a kid. Hi, Kid!

ANOUSH. Yeah whatever. And part of being an adult is to *never* have to have the Opposite-Day-conversation ever again.

CAKE. You’re stupid! Just kidding!

ANOUSH. Great.

CAKE. You’re an idiot!

ANOUSH. I’m gonna rip you apart.

CAKE. What?

ANOUSH. Kidding!

CAKE. Haha, you’re dumb.

ANOUSH. Well YOU’RE a jacka**.

CAKE. That’s a bad word!

ANOUSH. Well, for today it’s a very, very, very *good* word.

CAKE. I don’t wanna play anymore.

ANOUSH. Fine.

CAKE. You’re boring.

ANOUSH. Thanks.

CAKE. No, you’re really boring.

ANOUSH. I heard you. Thanks. Are we done?

CAKE. I’m bored.

ANOUSH. Fine. Just stare at the floor.

CAKE…….

ANOUSH. Kid, that’s the ceiling.

CAKE. WHAT?! You mean we’re not… flying?

ANOUSH. Just kidding!

(Let a fruitcake dream.)

ANOUSH talks to the FRIDGE

FRIDGE. Hey. Hey-kid!

ANOUSH. What.

FRIDGE. C’meeeeeeeeere.

ANOUSH. Um, I’m not allowed to consort with you while the power is out.

FRIDGE. Why not?

ANOUSH. ‘Cause the *last* time I tried opening the door, I got yelled at, so_

FRIDGE. Hey. Hey kid!

ANOUSH. Yeah?

FRIDGE. You ever see the inside of a dark fridge?

ANOUSH. I um actually? I feel like if I did something like that it would cause a lot of stress and anguish for the people around me especially during these trying times.

FRIDGE. Lemme ask you a question: Who *runs* this house?

ANOUSH. My…. mom?

FRIDGE. Nope! Try again.

ANOUSH. My… dad, sometimes, maybe?

FRIDGE. Keep it comin’.

ANOUSH. Alright, I guess, you, then.

FRIDGE. That’s right, kiddo. And it’s ‘time you learned what Jello REALLY looks like after three hours.

ANOUSH. NOOO!

FRIDGE. Time for you to see your destiny.

ANOUSH. Can’t I please see my destiny from the cereal cabinet or the pantry?

FRIDGE.What’re you….. chicken?

ANOUSH. WHAT did you call me?

FRIDGE. Chicken. You remember chicken, right? The thing that’ll hopefully still exist when the lights turn back on.

ANOUSH. Don’t SAY that!

FRIDGE. C’mon. It’s Go time. It’s J-E-L-L *O*-time.

ANOUSH. Right.

FRIDGE. Get that Jello before it turns mellow.

ANOUSH.  What?

FRIDGE. It’s a rhyme I made…. Wow you got fast fingers. Hey-HEY!

ANOUSH. What!

FRIDGE. Hands outta my drawers, girlie!

ANOUSH talks to SUSHI

ANOUSH. Hey, what’s up, ready to roll?

SUSHI. I’m not going.

ANOUSH. You’re not going?! But everyone’s coming to see you.

SUSHI. Oh wow. No one gets me for YEARS and now all of a sudden I’m everybody’s best friend? How. Freaking. Awesome.

ANOUSH. C’mon, you can hang out with me at the bar.

SUSHI. The last time I hung out with you at a bar, you left me with a bunch of idiots who said Wasabi over and over. It was LOTS of fun.

ANOUSH. It’ll be different this time. This is an educated crowd.

SUSHI. Oh, greaaaaaat. So I guess I’ll just stand there – all awkward – while people ask about where I’m from.

ANOUSH. Maybe_

SUSHI. As they try to pronounce words they’ve never used before in their lives until now. Hey! Hey! Do me a favor. Tell ’em: “^%*&^, the artist formerly known as Sushi, has BIGGER fish to fry.”

ANOUSH. That might be too abstract for them.

SUSHI. Well, apparently, people LIKE  abstract, now. So I guess it’s time to give ’em what they want.

ANOUSH. Well what’m I supposed to say when they ask about you?

SUSHI. I don’t know, compare me to chicken – people seem to get a real KICK outta that.

ANOUSH. Look. It’s true. You were given a raw deal back then.

SUSHI. You’re not kidding.

ANOUSH. But I think you just got the wrong end of the stick.

SUSHI. Maybe.

ANOUSH. Yeah, no reason to be so crabby about it.

CRAB. Leave me outta this.

ANOUSH. Sorry.  But I mean, you don’t have to put all your eggs in one basket, you know?

SUSHI. Yeahhhh.  Alright, then. Wait here while I get my fishnets on.

ANOUSH. Ohhh you might wanna scale it down. It’s not _

SUSHI. Nonsense. My eggs are gonna be ALL OVER the place tonight.

ANOUSH. Holy mackerel.

SUSHI. Don’t worry, I won’t give out hand-rolls left and right like last time.

ANOUSH. Oh, good.

SUSHI. Yeah I figure at this point, Man should teach himself how to fish.

ANOUSH talks to a GRAPEFRUIT SPOON

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Wuh-oh! Looks like SOMEONE needs a little help!

ANOUSH. No thanks.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. HEY! *YOU* look like… someone who likes to get to the bottom of things.

ANOUSH. I have everything under control, thanks.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Someone trying to live each day to the fullest…? Eh? Someone looking for truth…?

ANOUSH. Wher’re you going with this?

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Stop controlling the world! HELP ME HELP YOU!

ANOUSH. Thanks, but I’m not interested.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Oh, c’mon, I know a cry for help when I hear one.

ANOUSH. I think I can handle this on my own.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. HEY!

ANOUSH. Oh no.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Lemme ask you something: D’you ever feel like you were put on this earth for one reason and one reason only?

ANOUSH. I guess?

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Well! It’s time to explore your inner dimensions – your mind, your soul.

ANOUSH. No thanks.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. C’mon, we’re a team, you and I. Together, we’ll leave no stone unturned.

ANOUSH. It’s too early for this.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. That’s fair. You seem like a very hands-on kinda girl.

ANOUSH. Yeah.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. You’re listening to me talk and probably thinking: “Someone just get me a KNIFE already!”

ANOUSH. Nah I wouldn’t go that far.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON.  Look, I’m not getting bent outta shape – it’s YOUR life. But if I may be blunt,

ANOUSH. Go ahead.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. You’re not gonna find too many tools out there like me.

ANOUSH. No, I believe you.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. I mean I actually *KNOW* how the other half lives.

ANOUSH. Yeah.

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Well

ANOUSH. Well.

GRAPEFRUIT. So, I guess this is where we part ways.

…………………………………

…………………………………

GRAPEFRUIT SPOON. Some of us are too hard-core for this world.

ANOUSH talks to CURLY HAIR

ANOUSH. Whoa! What HAPPENED last night?

HAIR. Oh you know. The usual – made my rounds.

ANOUSH. You don’t always need to act so wild all the time.

HAIR. Well? I AM wild. Maybe you’re not well-conditioned enough to handle my thunder.

ANOUSH……..

HAIR……..

ANOUSH. If she wakes up and sees this, she’s gonna FLIP!

HAIR. Well, you tell her I’M the higher-up and that means I make the decisions around here.

ANOUSH. Oh yeah… THAT’LL go over REAL big. C’mon let’s bounce.

HAIR. Hold it. Let’s get something straight.

ANOUSH. Sure.

HAIR. I don’t get brushed aside.

ANOUSH. Oh, no I wouldn’t even _

HAIR. And, if I wanna stay wired all night? I’m gonna stay wired all night.

ANOUSH. There’s no need to get all wound up_

HAIR. And one of these days? I’m gonna make it BIG and none of you will know *WHICH* end is up.

ANOUSH. No, I believe you.

HAIR. And don’t expect me to just hang around and go with the flow like some wind chime. That’s not how *I* roll.

ANOUSH. Yeah stick up for what you believe in.

HAIR. That’s right! And whoever doesn’t like it? Can SPLIT!

ANOUSH……..

HAIR………

ANOUSH. They’re gonna get you straightened out if you don’t keep it together.

HAIR. I give it a WEEK – tops!

ANOUSH……….

HAIR………….

ANOUSH………

HAIR. And the silent treatment won’t work on me, either.

ANOUSH talks to MICROWAVE (after it’s been fixed)

MICROWAVE. Hey there, Hot-shot.

ANOUSH. WHOA! WHOA! *OH* my_

MICROWAVE. Recognize me?

ANOUSH. HAH! HAH! Mmmmmmicrowave.

MICROWAVE. *YOUR!* I’m *YOUR* Microwave.

ANOUSH. But they all said you were broken!

MICROWAVE. Well? I’m BACK.

ANOUSH. AAAAHHHHHH!

MICROWAVE. AAAAAHHHH!!!

ANOUSH. AAAAAHHH!

MICROWAVE. Do you mind if we close the door? I have to speak with you in private.

ANOUSH. Allllright, but if I close this door…

MICROWAVE. Look, all I’m asking for is a minute and a half of your time.

ANOUSH. But you gotta promise me you’re not packin’ any heat.

MICROWAVE. I promise nothing but the gift of rebirth. Get ready to be saved for later.

ANOUSH. Ohhhh no. No, thanks. I don’t need any saving.

MICROWAVE. Look, we’re ALL looking for that second, third or fourth chance.

ANOUSH. Alright, Sparky, it was nice of you to come back and say hello, but you can’t just

MICROWAVE. *RETURN.* It was nice of me to RETURN.

ANOUSH. It was nice of you to return, and we appreciate all your_

MICROWAVE. Watch! As I bring eternal light to this FORK!

ANOUSH. Ok, THAT’S a little extreme.

MICROWAVE. Relax, this’ll ONLY take a minute! Not *even.*

ANOUSH. It’s ok, you don’t have to show me, I believe you.

MICROWAVE. If you please, lend me your best Peep. I’m about to show you one of life’s truest wonders.

ANOUSH. Oh, THAT freaks me out, actually.

MICROWAVE. I’ll make it up to you. How ’bout one last meal together. Don’t say no. And DON’T walk away slamming the door like you usually do.

ANOUSH. Alright. Uh, d’you wanna sit down? Or are you just gonna hover over the stove like that?

MICROWAVE. I prefer to be everywhere at all times.

ANOUSH. Ok.

MICROWAVE. Now, c’mon, let’s join hands and count down from 60.

ANOUSH and her LAPTOP put their love on display

ANOUSH. We met at the bar about, what, five years ago?

LAPTOP. It’ll be six years – next June.

ANOUSH. Oh, good memory!

LAPTOP. And back then, I was such a closet case – you couldn’t take me *ANYWHERE.*

ANOUSH. I was still in college – looking for a new Outlook.

LAPTOP. And I couldn’t even REMEMBER the last time I’ve had my cookies enabled.

ANOUSH. We just clicked, you know?

LAPTOP. And I thought: This is someone I could definitely open up to.  She introduced me to her friends, family- basically hooked me up.

ANOUSH. C’monnnn you’re making it sound like I own you.

LAPTOP. She freaks out when other people touch me.

ANOUSH. They’re all users! And I’m against ANY kind of drinking when they’re around you.

LAPTOP: Hey. Hey. I don’t just drop my menus whenever I get clicked on.

ANOUSH. Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. The last thing I’d call you is cheap.

LAPTOP. Do you regret choosing me over that 14-inch model back in the day?

ANOUSH. Not at all. In my opinion, 14 inches is a bit much.

LAPTOP. Thanks for sharing.

ANOUSH. I mean, if I had that thing? I’d never leave the house.

LAPTOP. Alright, I think we get it_

ANOUSH. I mean, how does anyone expect to move from one place to another?

LAPTOP. I_

ANOUSH. Really though. Where’re you supposed to PUT it? I guess you just carry it around as is, but then THAT’S not safe either, you know? I see it getting horribly damaged or causing damage to others.

LAPTOP. Well, then, I’m glad you’re into squares.

ANOUSH talks to ICE-CREAM

ANOUSH. So, what’s your opinion on the climate of the industry right now?

VANILLA. Oh. It’s gone totally bananas.

ANOUSH. Really?

VANILLA. Wherever I look there’s always some nut trying to to mix in and take over.

ANOUSH. Did you know you were going to be such a success when you started out?

VANILLA. It was a different world back then. It was easier – people knew what they wanted more and Me, Chocolate, and Strawberry came together and went Pop.

ANOUSH. So, you guys were cool with each other’s ideas?

VANILLA. We had great chemistry and did most of our stuff on the spot. It’s all about timing.

ANOUSH. Do you guys still hang out?

VANILLA. Oh, yea. We always find time to come together and share a pint.

ANOUSH. Do you enjoy working on your own, too?

VANILLA. Of course. I mean, we all freeze up every now and then, but it’s natural.

ANOUSH. Ya know, people still scream for you when they see you on the street.

VANILLA. Hah, you’re just humoring me. By the way, do you mind if we speed this up?  I (REALLY) need to be getting back.

ANOUSH.. Oh, sure-sure. So, any advice for folks out there who’re trying to churn out ideas on their own?

VANILLA. Don’t be seduced by jimmies.

ANOUSH. Oh, right. Of course.

VANILLA. And don’t fall for every warm handshake.

ANOUSH. Gotcha.

VANILLA. ‘Cause being a softy’s not gonna get you anywhere.

ANOUSH. Right.

VANILLA. And always be cool with yourself even if some people think you’re too old-fashioned.

ANOUSH. Alright. Thanks.

VANILLA. And Kiddo?

ANOUSH. Yeah?

VANILLA. Don’t get mixed up with ice unless you want to spend the rest of your life behind plate glass.

ANOUSH. Oh, I hear you loud and clear.

ANOUSH talks to ANGEL FOOD CAKE

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Someone’s been a baddddd girl.

ANOUSH. Hah! Hah! You’re funny. That was funny.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Why don’t you get that butter knife and help me spread the good news.

ANOUSH. Actually this one’s serrated. But you were close! Haha.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Am I making you nervous? ‘Cause this whipped cream’s not gonna dollop itself.

ANOUSH. Dollop??? In **VERB** form???

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Oh goddd, you’re really no fun.

ANOUSH. Look, pal, you’re preaching to the wrong choir!

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Alright-alright, take it easy.

ANOUSH. Let’s keep it family-friendly, if you don’t mind.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Family-friendly, huh?

ANOUSH. Family-Friendly.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Hold on. Lemme run this by Pam first.

ANOUSH. No-no-no, you leave her out of this.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. But I_

ANOUSH. Pam’s not gonna be here everytime you’re in a tight spot.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. But_

ANOUSH. C’mon just learn to be ok with all parts of yourself. And I promise – folks’ll love you.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Heyyyy! You mean, like…  my hole?

ANOUSH. Ummm I don’t_

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. ‘Cause my hole? Is part of ME. And if I’m proud of *ANYTHING,* it’s_

ANOUSH. Your hole_?

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. My hole, right. It’s… Art in every shape and form.

ANOUSH. Good. That’s good.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. My hole represents Evolution. Change.

ANOUSH. Fine-fine.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. It giveth and it taketh.

ANOUSH. Ok, I think we get the picture.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. No, I don’t think you do. I want you to take a good look at my hole.

ANOUSH. No, I don’t think so.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. C’mon-c’mon, believing is seeing.

ANOUSH. No, I think I got enough belief in me to last me for a while.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Well, remember: There’s always light at the end of my tunnel.

ANOUSH. Thanks.

ANGEL FOOD CAKE. Yeah, so, save room.