Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: February 2011

ANOUSH. I, uh_
GUM. C’mon, spit it out.
ANOUSH. I can’t really picture life without you.
GUM. Awwww, I find that hard to swallow.
ANOUSH. No, really. You pull through for me every time.
GUM. Well, we’re in each other’s pockets ’til the end, right?
ANOUSH. Right.
GUM. ‘Cause – yeah – that’s whatcha have to do. Gotta make things last.
ANOUSH. Is that how you made it to the big leagues?
GUM. Well, THAT plus a few recommendations here and there.
ANOUSH. I really admire how you can_
GUM. …stick it to the man?
ANOUSH. Yeah, it’s like you don’t care.
GUM. Well of course. I refuse to live in a bubble for the rest of my life.
ANOUSH. Oh, that goes double for me.
GUM. That’s why I live by my own rules. Or else I’d snap. So? I always stay ahead of the pack.
ANOUSH. That’s good advice.
GUM. I RIDE that third rail, know what I mean?
ANOUSH. Definitely.
GUM. It’s… ya know… what I stick to.
ANOUSH. Yeah, it’s great how you get yourself out there. It’s just a lot to wrap your mind around all at once, you know?
GUM. Well, it all depends on whether or not you’re ready to go pop.

PIZZA. Havin’ fun?
ANOUSH. Sorta. I don’t really have anything to say to these people.
PIZZA. You want MY advice?
PIZZA. Start a conversation about me.
PIZZA. Yep. And I don’t mean that in a vain way, either.
ANOUSH. Oh, I know.
PIZZA. Yeah. Walk over, tell people how good I am, and see how they respond.
ANOUSH. What if they disagree?
PIZZA. Oh, they probably will and some will claim that they’ve had better. And then? They’ll start talking and talking about who’s had it the best.
ANOUSH. You sure?
PIZZA. Trust me. It works every time. Most conversations revolve around people’s opinions of me, anyway.
ANOUSH. I guess, yeah.
PIZZA. It’s a little thing I like to call The Domino Effect. And guess what!
PIZZA. YOU’RE gonna start it tonight.
ANOUSH. Oh, I don’t think  I have it in me.
PIZZA. C’mon. You gotta reinvent yourself a little bit – I do it all the time. Remember my Hawaiian phase?
ANOUSH. Ugh, I’ll never understand that.
PIZZA. Yeah whatever, Grandma. Point is they TOTALLY bought it.
ANOUSH. You’re right. They did.
PIZZA. So, c’mon, get out there and lay your cards on the little white table!
PIZZA. Let *MOONS* hit you in the eye.
ANOUSH. I will.
PIZZA. And remember: It’s all in the delivery.
ANOUSH. You’re right. And thanks, again, for the tip. I never realized you guys were so good with people.
PIZZA. Heh, only in New York…

ANOUSH. So, how come we didn’t see you at the ceremony?

CAKE. Yeahhhh ummm I don’t really “do” ceremonies?


CAKE. Yeah, not really my scene.

ANOUSH. Right.

CAKE. They freak me out on soooo many levels.

ANOUSH. Um – excuse me – where’re the figurines?

CAKE. Oh those. Well, I’ve decided to have them removed.

ANOUSH. What? Why?

CAKE. Because? I don’t like being walked on all the time.

ANOUSH. Oh, c’mon, they don’t _

CAKE. YES, they do!


CAKE. *DON’T!* What’s done is done.

ANOUSH. What happened to them?

CAKE. It’s not pleasant.

ANOUSH. Try me.

CAKE. Let’s just say they’ve been… reclassified.


CAKE. In “a better place.”

ANOUSH. Where?

CAKE. Be-headed.

ANOUSH. Great. THAT’S just great. You’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do.

CAKE. Way I see it? You gotta *EARN* your way to the top.

ANOUSH. Oh, SAVE it, will ya?

CAKE. YOU save it!

ANOUSH. And WHO gave you those pearls?

CAKE. Never you mind.

ANOUSH. Are they real?

CAKE. Um? Excuse me? I think REAL pearls at this point would be just tacky, wouldn’t you?

ANOUSH. I have no idea how folks’ll react to that.

CAKE. Would you please just let me do my job?

ANOUSH. I don’t want to see you get beaten up again – that’s all.

CAKE. Trust me, I take this very seriously. And I don’t waste time goofing around. (Unless I’m alone with my decorator, but that’s neither here nor there.)

ANOUSH. Sure. Fine. BE outta-the-box. See if I care.

CAKE.  Look, I just want to see my ideas carried out every once in a while. Ya know?

ANOUSH. I… well, yeah, that seems fair.

CAKE. Yeah, thought you’d understand. Alright. I’m goin’ in. How do I look?

ANOUSH. Like, totally stacked.

CAKE. Thanks.

ANOUSH. No problem.

CAKE. And remember: if anyone asks, tell ’em I’m with the band.

SALT. If you EVER feel like your meal ain’t aggreein’ with you lately, alls we’re sayin’ is
PEPPER. Yeah, alls we’re sayin’ is
SALT. We’ll take CARE of it. Because We? We’re about preserving the loyalty.
PEPPER. We don’t let you get jacked around.
SALT. Unless you WANT another hole in your head. But we’re not gonna get graphic.
PEPPER. Yeah, we’re not gonna get graphic.
SALT. But we’re very hands-on.
PEPPER. *Very* hands-on.
SALT. We’ve been involved in a few shakedowns – you may or may NOT have heard.
PEPPER. Even twisted a few necks in our day, so remember to keep your nose clean.
SALT. And if you think WE’RE unrefined, start lookin’ at the folks around you.
PEPPER. ‘Cause I’ve seen THINGS.
SALT. You’ll get thrown in a freezer.
PEPPER. Or trashbag.
SALT. Or just plain-old-DUMPED. So.
SALT. To recap: if there’s a problem here.
PEPPER. Anything WHATsoever.
SALT. Just grab one of us.
PEPPER. Or BOTH of us.
SALT. Heh! Both of us. Looka, this guy!
SALT. Anyway. So. Good luck,
PEPPER. And God bless.
SALT. And remember, there’s more to it than just gettin’ made.
SALAD. So who am I opening for tonight?
ANOUSH. It’s a toss-up. We’re still deciding.
SALAD.  ‘Cause I’ve got these new bits I’ve been working on? You won’t be sorry – I can *TOTALLY* keep a crowd satisfied.
ANOUSH. You think so, huh?
SALAD. Well, sure. I mean, for starters, I know about good presentation.
ANOUSH. Yeah, you definitely dress the part.
SALAD. Thanks! Plus? I cater to mixed audiences.
ANOUSH. But is your material substantial enough?
SALAD. Uh yes? And I’m also a fantastic collaborator. I’ve worked with many of the grates.
ANOUSH. Well, if anything sprouts up, we’ll keep you in mind.
SALAD. Thanks! Tell ’em you know about a hard-working self-starter who speaks fluid French, Italian, and some Russian. Whaddaya say, wanna shake on it?
SALAD. Hey! Hey! I betcha we’ll get picked up for a season. Maybe two.
ANOUSH. Alright, but under one condition – stay away from the kids. We get complaints every now and then that you’re “touching.”
SALAD. Look. I’m a natural.
ANOUSH. Whatever. I just don’t want a Greek tragedy on our hands.